Spring and Fall

Summer is here already, it’s hot and it’s melting everything, even me. I was never really a fan of summer. I always lived for fall and spring when the temperature was just right during the day and then it was the perfect hoodie weather for the nighttime in order to snuggle up to that person you love most. Summer… it just isn’t my thing. When I was younger we would all sit around the fire at my mom’s house and relax and tell jokes and think ahead to the future and what it will be like. Now, it’s here. 10 years ago I was in high school sitting there thinking, “Man, where am I going to be in 10 years?” I can’t believe it’s been that long in the first place. Never in a million years did I think I’d end up here and where I am today. I miss the late nights worrying that a cop was going to drive by and see a bunch of high school kids out drinking around a fire when in fact we weren’t at all.

I miss the couple years that followed that where we were all about self-discovery and finding out what we were all meant for in the fall when we went to college. I miss that feeling of possibly losing my friends due to college. It’s a funny thing to miss, I know, but I feel like I don’t have that now. I don’t have that fear that I’ll lose anyone because I don’t have many people to lose. They’ve all left, and I know who my actual friends are regardless of how much we talk and do anything together. They could be miles away, starting a life, and they’ll still be there if I need to talk to someone. It’s those that stick around that matter really.

But, nonetheless, I do miss that feeling of wonder and where I’m going to wind up. In a sense, I’m starting to feel it now, again. I miss the distance of friends and being able to walk to them in my small 2 square mile town of South River. I miss texting them or calling them and saying hey, want to meet up at the park and walk around and do nothing? Want to go to the Skate Park and hangout and watch the cute guys for a while and then get ice cream? Life was simple back then. No husbands, boyfriends really, or children to worry about to get in the way. Now, it’s more along the lines of “Oh I need to find a baby sitter.” Or “I’m busy with work most of the weekend and looking for a house with my boyfriend.” Or something of the like. Now, it’s all about life, and how we should have kept in touch to see what kind of other friendship it would bring us. Granted I didn’t have many friends and I don’t have many left from that small town where everyone knew my name, but it was, at that time, the best time of my life. When I up and left to PA, I lost contact with those “friends” because I was out of sight and out of mind to them and nothing mattered it seemed. Yeah, I’ve reached out to them occasionally from time to time, but it was always a one sided conversation of “Hey how are you? What’s up with life?” and that’s really it. I guess when you drift from a place and you don’t try to reconnect with it, then you’re left out in the dust.

There’s this song that comes to mind, one I listen to regularly actually. I’m not going to mention its name right now, but in time, you’ll see what it means to me. You’ll think I’m strange and wonder how it relates to my life back home… But I promise you it does. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and visit old me. I would tell myself to make sure they don’t abandon you like they already have (my friends I mean) but then the other half of me is telling me “you found your true friends and they’re still living their same life that they were back in the day when you were still around. You’ve moved on and have a better life while they’re still living at home and away from all of that. You’re the better person and you always will be for doing what you want. They’re your age and still doing the same things as 10 years ago.” Under no circumstances do I feel sorry for the life I led and lead currently even though there were hard times and money issues.. I would have avoided the issue should I have stayed at home like the others… but then I would have ended up here with more life that them and I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend or past boyfriends either. I’m satisfied with what happened to me and the timing it did. Maybe I can reconnect with them at some point when they actually start to lead their own lives… but until then and until they understand how life truly is without parents or something to lean on… maybe now isn’t the best time.

I don’t know why this makes me think of summer… or even spring and fall. But I know it’s something I miss and something I’ll always miss; even those cold winters trying to walk to and from school because I wanted to get some exercise in at the time. It was always snowing and a mess out there… I figured I could walk a mile and a half in it. And most days I prospered in that feat. It’s those silly things I miss. And it all makes me think of the seasons changing and where I am today. I wouldn’t be me short of all of this and I wouldn’t be here at all if things were different.